Getting Out of My Own Way
So many times in my life I’ve gotten in my own way. Whether it was convincing myself I wasn’t good enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. Too old. Too boring. That I don’t deserve to feel happy again. Whatever excuse I could think of, whatever person I could blame, they were all distractions. Road blocks I built in my own mind to protect myself from my fears. It’s taken me 34 years to understand this part of me. To recognize it and face it, head on.
Most of the time I feel like I’m playing catch up. Running a never ending race. Never stopping to hydrate or appreciate what surrounds me. Lately I've been running on fumes. Feeling the pressure to deliver. Feeling the pressure to do everything right and not screw up. I feel tired, sick, and the last few days I’ve just wanted to stop. A friend of mine looked at me the other day and said “is something catastrophic going to happen if you pick up and finish everything tomorrow? It’s okay, stop, rest, there will be another day.”
I’m still fighting my demons but gradually learning to take that breath. To cry if I need to. To ask myself why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. To allow myself to be an artist. To allow myself to feel what I'm feeling in that moment. To stop sugar coating my feelings. To stop pleasing everyone. To understand, me. I’m not completely there yet but we become more and more acquainted every day.
Photo Credit: Saturday Soul