My trip to Austin: New Tunes, Mexican Food, & Vintage Airstreams
Austin has always been one of my favorite cities. Only 3 hours away from Dallas, it's an easy drive and I feel like I've been transported to a completely different state. Most importantly, the music in the air creates an intoxicating vibe that always fuels my creativity. Performing is easy for me because I can be an exaggerated version of myself. I can be a tamed version of myself. I can just be...me. Whatever the hell the night calls for, and I'm in the mood, I can turn it on and mentally escape to my dreamland on stage.
Songwriting...doesn't come so easy. The most maddening thing in my life is my lack of confidence for my writing. I've been writing songs since I was 12 years old. Many terrible...some surprisingly good, but I've let so much insecurity get in the way. Oh and that vulnerability thing in songwriting...well, I'm a very private person when it comes to my personal life so letting myself go enough to really show my deepest internal heartbreak, struggles, love, and happiness...it's hard for me to do.
As my story goes, I took some significant time off of music in my twenties to be, well, in my twenties. Party, date boys, sleep in until 2, work at a bar, and get married. It was fucking glorious. But then life happens and through it all my dreams never stopped chasing me. That itch to be the best writer/singer/performer I can be has only gotten peskier and peskier.
So in the spirit of being authentic, intimate and honest here goes nothing. I'm getting a divorce. It's awful. In fact, that word is like saying the ocean is a specific shade of blue. It doesn't come close to describing the vast emptiness and sadness I feel in my life right now. Why am I telling you this? I definitely am not writing this to get any sympathy, but merely to describe where I'm at, how it affects me as an artist, where I'm going, and how scared shitless I am. I lost the only man I've ever really loved since I was 21 fucking years old. He's been my world, my rock, my future, and my best friend...and now...it's been reduced to a few conversations every few days that rip a part my insides. It's the worse thing I've ever been through.
It's been incredibly hard to focus and write when I'm home, er, at my mom's house where I'm currently staying. My beautiful home that is filled with our stuff is about to go up for sale...and I will cry until my face puffs and there's no more feeling left in my bones. This is some hard shit. I won't go into the details of my marriage falling a part because, well, it's personal, and that's what songs are for, right? So back to focusing...I have a hard time doing this. I get depressed, drink wine, eat chocolate, sleep, Facebook, more wine, Facebook....you get the point. So in an effort to get my ass back into gear I decided to run away to Austin for a week and just write. I picked one of my favorite, closest cities that I could run away to, and well, it was fabulous.
I've never taken a trip by myself. I was by myself when I went to Hollywood for American Idol, but I had a roommate and was surrounded by people. I mean, alone, staying alone, eating alone, thinking alone. It was liberating. It was addicting. I sat with my journal at my favorite Mexican food spots. Wrote new songs, programmed (or I should say attempted), stayed up all night, slept in all afternoon, sat in the park, took pictures, sang, and thought about nothing but music. I was entrenched. I was inspired.
There's something to be said for getting out of your rut, clearing your mind, and just being you. It's taken me a long time to admit and accept how big of a role music plays in my life. It always has. Have you ever had something that you are completely obsessed with? To the point where you try to escape it and it's like a bad ex, throwing rocks at your window at night, never letting you sleep. I have to do this. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where this is going to take me, but I know it's my truth.
It's been hard coming back home this week. I'm moving out of my house this weekend and I'm crushed. I had another wine, chocolate, and Facebook day today. Lord help my waste line. But I feel like I've laid down a path that won't steer me wrong. And even on my worst days it's still tapping on my window. So here's to never giving up and not letting your weaknesses steer the ship. I'm excited. Even through heartbreak, creativity finds a way to shine through.
Check out some pics from my trip including the unbelievably amazing vintage airstream I stayed in. It was perfection! xoxo